Austrian Habsburgs Claim Responsibility For the Kidnapping

Will Marry First Daughter to Habsburg Prince and Form Austro-American Empire


In a press conference this morning, the White House confirmed that the Royal Habsburg family of Austria has kidnapped the First Daughter of the United States of America, Melisha. In a very emotional statement, the US President had this to say,“Americans and freedom lovers everywhere, we are living in a time when evil has no boundaries. If anyone has a problem with me, they should take it up with me directly and leave my family out of it. Well, King of the Habsburgs and First Prince, I am sure you are listening, so hear this – America is sending in our best to get my little girl back and you’re going down. But not on my daughter.”In a live broadcast from the House of Habsburg, the King gave this rhetorical statement,


“Dear Mr. President and beautiful people of America, Guten Tag from the Austrian Alps! In spite of our (*cough* racial *cough*) differences we are proud to welcome your First Daughter, Melisha, into our loving family. Indeed she will marry my son, the Handsome Prince of the Habsburgs, they will breed beautiful mulatto babies, and our families will forever be joined. Together we will create the Austro-American Empire! Isn’t that awesome? Gott im Himmel! We could be called, Triple A! Awesome Austro-America! That sounds so much better than Central Powers! Oh, wait. I hope the expression ‘AAA’ isn’t trademark protected. We need to look into that.”


According to European sources, the Habsburgs are planning a traditional Austrian wedding for the First Daughter and First Prince. Wiener schnitzel from veal and apple strudel with vanilla ice cream will be on the menu.Additionally, those close to the US President have confirmed that the best soldier in the history of the US Special Forces, Johnny Magnum, has been deployed to rescue his daughter and foil the Habsburgs’ plans. The year 2014 marks the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I. Peace lovers around the globe are holding candlelight vigils in hope of preventing World War III.

UPDATE – 20 July 2014 – AlpinAle has released the final schedule for the film festival and Habsburgs will be played on Wednesday, August 6th. The event starts at 20:30 and the first film begins at 21:00. All the action happens in Nenzing. Click here for the complete schedule of films!


UPDATE – 25 April 2014 – Return of the Habsburgs won the audience pre-selection for the AlpinAle Film Festival in Austria and has therefore earned a place in the lineup. Johnny Magnum and the Habsburgs will hit the big screen in August 2014. More info to follow!

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